Civilian Casualties
by vladfan
Summary: Love is grand...but sometimes it's not easy living with a pair of lovebirds. Rated T for mention of sex, but all action takes place offstage.


Still smiling dreamily, Harry and Ron sauntered hand in hand into the bathroom, closing the door behind them.

Three pairs of eyes glared daggers. No one spoke until the hiss of the shower head began—and abruptly cut off in the way only a Silencing Charm could manage.

Dean broke the silence. "I'm going to kill them," he declared. "I'm going to kill them both."

"No, you're not." Seamus cracked his knuckles, first the left hand, then the right, a look of pure loathing on his face. "I'M going to kill them both."

"You're both going to have to get in line," Neville said grimly.

The other boys' heads snapped toward Neville. Complaining about Harry and Ron had become a cornerstone of Dean's and Seamus' day, but Neville had never joined in before. "What brought that on?" Dean asked.

"I've had it with them," Neville said. "Look, when Harry and Ron first got together, and you two started bitching and moaning about it, I thought you were just being jealous wankers. But I have HAD IT. There's so much sugar in this room, I feel like my teeth are going to fall out."

"Told you," Seamus smirked.

"Look, I don't care if you fancy blokes, birds, or small furry animals like Snape does," Neville continued hotly, "there are certain words that should never come out of a bloke's mouth. And 'POOKIE' IS AT THE TOP OF THE BLOODY LIST!"

"Especially when it's said like you're a five-year-old girl with her first pony," Dean chimed in. "I mean, come ON. Show a little dignity!"

"Don't talk to me about dignity," Seamus muttered. "You two weren't here for The Question."

"What question?" Neville asked.

"THE Question." Seamus shuddered. "They'd just finished…you know. They took down the Silencing Charm, and they must have done something to clear the air, because I couldn't smell anything like the first time they…"

"Never mind," Dean said quickly. "What was the question?"

"They were lying there, talking silly like they've done since they first started shagging, and then I heard…." He shuddered again. "The Question"

"WHAT WAS IT?" Neville snapped.

Seamus visibly steeled himself, then said, in a voice filled with utter horror, "'Why does your penis have to be so big?'"

Dean buried his head in his pillow and screamed. Neville just made retching noises.

"And worse," Seamus went on, "they said it in the same five-year-old-girl-with-a-pony voice. It's like both their brains have turned to pudding."

"It's revolting," Dean said. "Did I tell you they were singing to each other the other day?"

"Singing?" Seamus asked. "What were they singing?"

"About how it was time to go to Transfiguration Class. Literally." Dean cleared his throat, and sang in a melody seemingly devoid of anything vaguely resembling key or meter. "'To claaaaass, to claaaass, we have to go, to Trans-fi-gur-a-tion claaaaass!' And then the other one sang back, "I knoooow, I knoooow, but I'd rath-her stay, and shag your bra-ains ooooooooout!!!!!!' And it got worse from there. I had to run for my life."

"And do they have to tell each other 'I love you' forty times a day?" Seamus asked, a plaintive note in his voice. "I mean, it's ridiculous! 'I have to go blow my nose, I love you!' 'I feel like a peanut butter sandwich, I love you!' 'Gee, it looks like it's going to rain, I love you!' WE GET THE POINT!!!!!!!"

The noise from the shower was back, suddenly; it had been a quickie. The three Gryffindors went back to what they'd been doing before the lovebirds had hit the showers, and when the bathroom door opened, you'd never have known they'd been doing anything else.

Still smiling dreamily, Harry and Ron sauntered hand in hand to the four-poster bed they now shared. Without bothering with pajamas, they climbed in and pulled the curtains shut. The others could hear giggling—and then the giggles abruptly cut off in the way only a Silencing Charm could manage.

Dean sighed and shook his head. "We really only have ourselves to blame, you know," he said.

"Yeah," Neville agreed. "We were hoping they'd wake up and get together since fourth year, and now that they have…well, you know what they say: 'Be careful what you wish for…'"

"'You might get it,'" Seamus finished glumly.


End file.
